| By Fred Topel
In Theaters Sept 1
|
This weekend’s thriller The Wicker Man gives us an oversized Easter basket. And that’s supposed to scare us. In their defense, this was based on a ‘70s film and that’s not even the worst of what passes for horror these days. Remember Freddy? Jason? Even Chucky. It’s almost like they’re not trying anymore.
10. Sh*t Weasels – This was when you knew Stephen King had run out of ideas. The aliens in Dreamcatcher are actually little creatures that come out of your ass when you take a dump. My bowel movements are a lot of things, but scary ain’t one of ‘em.
9. The Creeper – They actually made two movies about this one, but it was MGM so that hardly counts. The monster in Jeepers Creepers was essentially a demon who sprouted bug wings. It looked more like Scott Valentine in My Demon Lover than anything to fear.
8. Static Ghosts – In White Noise, Batman gets freaked out by the shapes he sees from staring at TV static for too long. In the end, a giant blob attacks him. Where do they get those lame toys?
7. The Blob – In any version, this mass of goo just looked stupid. The old one was just so slow it wasn’t a threat. The ‘80s blob was such a cheap looking piece of rubber, you just felt like teasing it.
6. Scrunts - This is where M. Night Shyamalan pushed us too far. We let him slide with “Those We Don’t Speak Of,” but his so-called invention of a scrunt just looked like the dogs from Resident Evil. And that’s not a compliment.
5. The Original Hannibal Lecter - Some people swear by Manhunter because it’s Michael Mann, but it’s pretty incompetent on every level. The least of which actually is Brian Cox’s laid back, non threatening Hannibal.
4. Samara - The Ring came smack in the middle of all the creepy little girl horror movies. I guess anything that comes out of the TV while you’re laying on the couch half asleep leaves you pretty vulnerable, but you still just wanted her to take a shower.
3. Nose Bleeder - I may be the only one who remembers Valentine but since I had to sit through it, I’m going to keep reminding everyone else. The killer in this knock-off teen slasher, a vehicle for David Boreanaz, was a guy bleeding through the nose hole of his mask. Too bad he couldn’t find any clever ways to get blood out of the babes he killed.
2. Croaking Ghost - All Japanese horror is pretty light to me. I’m not scared by wet girls, flowing water or groggy noises. Either kill me or let me sleep, but stop making those stupid sounds.
1. Fisherman Slicker Guy - Could they really not come up with a costume for the I Know What You Did Last Summer killer? Honestly, a fisherman slicker? |
