|By Fred Topel
In Theaters Now
Hollywood makes it look almost fun to be on the receiving end of an ass whooping. These martial arts guys are so graceful, it would be an honor, at least as long as it’s only in the movies. Here are 10 of the best screen ass kickings. We’d be happy to go out by any of these means.
10. Bones broken by Steven Seagal - Back in his day, Steven Seagal was the only guy actually bending bones backwards on screen. It was badass. Now he has trouble making his own arms go forward, so we’ll just remember the glory days.
9. Five Point Palm-Exploding Heart Technique - The Bride’s final revenge in Kill Bill gives you a graceful, honorable exit. Choose your last five steps wisely.
8. Jet Li on your Head - In Fong Sai Yuk, retitled for Americans as The Legend, Li does a whole fight scene while balancing on the heads of a crowd. Whichever opponent touches the ground first loses. We’d be happy to support our man with our skulls.
7. Oil Slick – When The Transporter coats himself in motor oil, nobody can fight back. It would be a fun slip and slide until he clobbers your brain.
6. Triple Teamed by Charlie’s Angels – The great thing about this method is that in all the carnage, you might feel a boob. Sorry Alias, there’s only one of you.
5. Laddered by Jackie Chan - Among his many clever weapons, in First Strike Jackie Chan fought of a swarm of baddies by twirling a ladder. Not a step ladder, a full on 12 stepper. The steel would probably cause permanent brain damage, but it would be cool just to see that thing twirl around him.
4. Matrixed by Agent Smith - If you’ve got to live in the matrix, at least you can do some cool moves.
3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I’m talking about the old guys in turtle suits movie, not the new CGI one. Considering the bulk of those costumes, those guys could move!
2. Elephant tusked - In The Protector’s climax, Tony Jaa straps elephant tusks onto his arms so he can bash up the bad guys with the power of his village’s elephant. Nice improv, man.
1. Drunken boxed - Hands down the coolest ass kicking of all cinema is Jackie Chan’s drunken boxing. If he can clobber you while looking like Nick Nolte on a bad night, that’s style.